


If I Must Leave (I have no regrets)

by ray_night



Series: On Distant Shores (he waits for me) [2]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: 11:59, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Episode 4x18, F/M, Gen, Goodbyes, Messages from the grave, Sisters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 03:06:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12497260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ray_night/pseuds/ray_night
Summary: Sara needs to see her sister, just one last time. Unbeknownst to her, this leads Laurel to realize that her time is running out. Even knowing any day might be her last, she still continues as the Black Canary. But she does not go unprepared, and leaves behind a message for the people she loves.





	If I Must Leave (I have no regrets)

**Author's Note:**

> Either because of the writing, or something else, I got the impression Laurel in the hospital was saying goodbye, and knew she was dying. This is what gave me the idea for this story, and to explain the changes in her character in her last episodes.  
> This story does reference (maybe one-sided) Laurel/Oliver; but basically, this is Laurel saying goodbye to almost everyone, in varying degrees of detail. I struggled long and hard with her words to Diggle and Felicity, which is why they sadly came out so short.  
> Disclaimer: Title adapted from Keaton Hanson's You - “If you must leave” (Go have a listen on youtube while reading this story, it is quite the mood setter); Arrow also doesn't belong to me (but at least I never would have killed off the Black Canary)

 

_She sees Death waiting in the distance, and it no longer scares her._

 

The last thing Laurel had expected upon coming home after work was to find her sister sitting on the steps in front of her building. The baseball cap and high collar hid her face pretty well, but there was something about her posture that the older sibling recognized immediately.

“Sara,” she greeted in surprise as the younger woman got up and drew her into a bone-crushing hug. There was tension in her sister's shoulder and she clung silently to Laurel for so long and with such strength, that she didn't even need to see her face to know that something was seriously wrong.

It reminded her of the time when Sara had been 15 and fallen hard for a boy in her class, in the sudden and dramatic way of teenage girls everywhere. The boy in question had proceeded to date and dump her little sister in the span of a few months, and the ensuing heartbreak had been painful to watch for Laurel. She remembered when Sara had come home, eyes red from crying, make-up smudged by tears, refusing to explain anything to their parents. The older sibling had simply ignored the refusals, the shouting and the words slung at her in anger, and moved in to hug the younger girl. Back then, Sara had clung to her desperately, crying noisily in her hair, spilling her pain in short expressions of intense anger and disbelief.

There were no tear-tracks on her cheeks now, Laurel noted as they separated from the embrace, but in the light of the street lamp, her eyes seemed to glisten nonetheless. She didn't know what had upset her sister so much, but a small, hidden part of her feared the answer.

“Let's go up, have some tea,” she suggested gently, taking Sara's hand like they were kids again, and tugging her along.

  


Upstairs, after unlocking the door, she immediately went into the kitchen to prepare some warm beverages. There was a note on the fridge from Thea, saying she was out for the night and probably wouldn't return until very late. Laurel was happy that the young woman seemed to find her footing again after everything that had happened.

While she absentmindedly picked out her favorite blend of tea for herself, her eyes found a pack of hot chocolate hidden behind one of the herbal teas. It wasn't some cocoa powder, but real, dark and rich chocolate on a stick, meant to be melted in a mug of hot milk. The expensive chocolate had been a gift from Thea, once the girl had found out about the lawyer's sweet tooth shortly after moving in. On a whim, Laurel decided that hot chocolate wouldn't fix whatever was wrong, but maybe it would soothe her sister a little bit.

Dimly hearing her older sibling working in the kitchen, knowing she was so close and _alive_ , was almost enough for Sara to burst into tears. She had known that it was a risky move to come here, but the need to see her sister again, even if it was just for one last time, had outweighed every other rationale. She was aware that she needed to exert caution, remembered all the words of warning that her visit could affect the future if she wasn't careful. But how could she be, when the sister she had lost only weeks ago, was here now, right in the next room? When hugging her had felt so unreal, so warm and alive, and yet been so painful.

For all her experiences, for all that she had grown through her time-travels, Sara still hadn't anticipated exactly how much it would hurt to say goodbye.

Her dark musings were interrupted when the object of her thoughts came in from the kitchen, carrying two mugs and offering one to her immediately.

“Here. I remember how much you loved that stuff when you were a kid.” Laurel's smile was warm and Sara chose to focus on the content of her mug, lest she start crying in earnest. A sniff told her all she needed to know, and an answering smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. Leave it to Laurel to find the one thing that would provide comfort by smell alone.

“Listen, I can see that something is wrong. So whenever you're ready to talk about it, I'm here.” The implication of being a distraction if she chose so was in there as well, and Sara marveled at her sister. In days past, Laurel would have chosen to go a more indirect route, would have skirted around addressing the issue directly. Laurel was headstrong and direct most of times, but with Sara there had always been a sort of barrier between them in that regard. Too much had happened between them, and even after her resurrection, Laurel had been warm and loving, but never this direct, always giving her sister room to come to her instead. As if she had known, that Sara could never look at her sister without feeling a pang of guilt, because while Laurel might have forgiven the younger woman, Sara had never forgiven herself.

And Sara was so very tempted in that moment, to tell her the truth. To warn her that she would die in just a few months, tell her of the heartbreak following her death, warn her to leave Star City _right now_ , or better yet, to come with her to the Waverider.

But she couldn't do any of that, as much as she longed to do so. Rip had warned her, again and again, that the consequences for the timeline could be catastrophic. She couldn't be selfish, no matter how much she wanted to be.

“It's... something I wish I could tell you, but can't. So for tonight, let's just pretend everything is... normal. That we're just ordinary people. Tell me something normal, about work maybe?”

Laurel eyed her sister with concern written all over her face, before finally nodding slowly in agreement.

“Alright. So you won't believe the idiotic stunt one of my colleagues pulled last week...”

  


The evening wore on like that, with the sisters talking about mundane things, pretending they were just regular women leading average lives. Just normal people, not a lawyer turned vigilante, or a resurrected assassin traveling through time. Just Sara and Laurel.

When the older sibling started yawning more and more frequently, Sara knew her time was running out. The moment she had dreaded had come; she would need to say goodbye for good.

At the door, she hugged her sister tightly to her, and this time she couldn't hold back the tears any more. They fell into blonde curls, her battle-hardened frame now shaking with feelings she had suppressed for so long.

“It's going to be alright,” the older Lance soothed her, hands running over hair and back. “Whatever it is, it might not be today or tomorrow, but one day it will be alright.”

Sara wanted to scream out loud at that, wanted to protest that nothing would ever be right again, because her sister was dead, but held back. Instead she nodded, slowly prying herself away. It was like a unseen force was holding her here, telling her to never leave and protect what was most dear to her. To finally make it up to her sister, make right what she had wronged and never cared to address. To make up for all the pain she had caused. Sara knew that this was the root of the barrier that had between them for so long: her guilt. Laurel had forgiven her, had decided her love was more important than her anger in the end, had gone to the ends of the Earth and beyond, into some magical realm, to save her sister.

And what had Sara ever done to repay her? Left the city as soon as possible, unable to deal with the Bloodlust, unable to live with her guilt. And now there was the all-consuming, crushing guilt, that she couldn't do for Laurel what her sister had done for her. Couldn't save her, couldn't bring her back from the dead. Could never repay the debt she owned.

“I'm so sorry,” were the words that finally slipped out, and in that moment she was aware of the tears in her eyes, of the tracks on her cheeks that spoke of her grief and pain.

Laurel smiled at her, full of warmth and love, and her hand came up to cradle her sister's cheek.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

And Sara, worn-down and emotionally distraught as she was, lacked the strength to explain everything she was sorry for, because once the floodgates opened, there would be no way to shut them again.

So she smiled thinly, covering her sister's hand with her own and giving it a slight squeeze. Slowly, she forced herself to let her go, memorizing every line on Laurel's face, the light in her eyes and the smile on her face.

“Goodbye, Laurel.”

And as she left, she was unaware of what her visit would lead to, months down in the future.

 

Laurel closed the door behind her sister, her head coming to rest onto the dark wooden door. She hated to see Sara in so much pain, but in that final moment, before her sibling had turned to stride down the hall, the lawyer had finally understood. All these hours she had been observing Sara, trying to figure out what was wrong.

The answer was in the little things. The way her eyes had tracked her every movement when the younger Lance thought she wasn't paying attention. The way she kept close, always maintaining some kind of physical contact, like she was afraid Laurel would suddenly disappear. And then in the doorway, she had given Laurel this _look_. It was a look of utter pain, that she recognized all too well. It was the look of someone who had lost a sibling.

With startling clarity, Laurel understood that Sara had come from the future to say goodbye one last time. All the pieces pointed in that direction, and from the little clues she had gathered from the things Sara had mentioned, it wasn't at a far distant point in the future.

She would die. Maybe in a month, maybe in six, or maybe in fourteen. But her end was near.

 

As the months passed, Laurel slowly adjusted to the thought that her life might be cut short. It was a risk she had first accepted when she started going into the streets, but the thought still unsettled her that she might die with regrets. So she tried to live every day as best as she could, tried to be the best version of herself she could be. She forgave instead of holding grudges. She smiled more freely.

So that when the time came, she would not have any more regrets.

  
The moment Damien Dhark stabbed her, she knew that this was it. The end had come.

When she woke up one more time in the hospital, she spoke from the heart, told them all that she loved them and confessed what she had only recently discovered was still true. And when the world grew dim, she was at peace.

  
***

  
The mood in the apartment was somber, as one by one everyone arrived and gathered in the living room. Thea felt the dark cloud hanging over them all, and pulled together all her strength, praying to just get through all of this.

When at last, Oliver, Diggle, Quentin and Felicity had gathered around the TV, Thea stepped up, clearing her throat to draw their attention.

“Thank you all for coming. I know it's difficult to be here for all of you... but I felt this was the best place.”

She could see that they were restless, could see the dark circles under Lance's and her brother's eyes, could see the guilt in Diggle's. They were all, in one way or another, marked by Laurel's passing.

“Cisco contacted me a few days ago. Apparently Laurel had asked him to set up a file server at S.T.A.R. labs or something like that, and had regularly uploaded videos to it. She left instructions for him, that should... something happen... to her, he was to send the videos to me.”

Shocked silence greeted her words, and she could see that they were shaken by this. Nonetheless, she continued.

“I haven't watched them, because some of them are addressed specifically to some of you. But this... this is what was meant for all of us.”

She didn't dare look at their faces anymore, just turned on the TV and started the video, just as Cisco had instructed her to. Her nerves left her shaking, because she had never watched further than the first few seconds, never past the first sentence spoken. She had simply been unable to do it alone.

Laurel's image appeared on the flat screen, sitting in the very place they were sitting in now, and Thea felt a sting of pain. Seeking comfort, she sunk down on the couch next to Oliver, gripping his hand tightly.

“If you're watching this, it means that I'm... not around anymore. I know that this must be hard for all of you.  
I prepared these messages, because I always knew that the day might come when I wouldn't make it back. I knew it, and I went out there anyway. Because being the Black Canary, fighting for justice – that is who I am. And that is how I want to be remembered.”

Laurel smiled, and Thea heard someone sob. She didn't turn to look for who it was.

“No matter how things ended, I don't want you to blame yourselves, or each other. I've always made my own decisions and once I put on the mask, I've never felt any doubt, no matter what anyone might have said to deter me from being a vigilante. So, no matter what, if anyone is to blame for my death, it's whoever has killed me.”

The image of the dead woman took a deep breath, and Thea felt the hand she was gripping shake, felt him tremble under the weight of suppressed emotions.

“Which brings me to my next point: I don't want anyone going on a killing spree in my name, or any other kind of rampage. I don't want senseless quests for revenge. You're better than that. That goes double for you, Dad. And you, Ollie.”

Another tremor, and Thea found herself gripping his hand tighter.

“God, I've talked to this camera so many times in the last months, re-recorded this message countless times... But it still feels weird.” Laurel laughed lightly, shaking her head in slight disbelief.

“Still. I have some files uploaded with cases I wanted to pursue. People that need might need help from outside the legal system. Please, see what you guys can do for them.  
And there are some things I need to say, because I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to upload all the other video messages.  
I love you guys, and that is what I need you to remember the most, even if I'm gone.  
John, Felicity – you were the best team mates anyone could ask for. John, I hope little Sara grows up to be as strong, and steadfast as her father. You were a rock to me and a brother in arms. Thank you, for being there and just being you. Felicity, you made me smile when I needed it, and for that I thank you. I hope you find the happiness you seek. Keep your heart and your mind open.”

Another pause, and for a moment she seemed to be far away with her thoughts.

“Thea. I love you like a sister and I'm grateful that you are in my life. You brought energy and spirit and laughter into my dark little apartment, and for that I will always love you. I've watched you grow up, from a little girl that was always playing pranks, to a mature and beautiful woman. I couldn't be any more prouder of the person you've become. And I wish that you find all the happiness in the world.”

Tears were streaming down the younger Queen's face, unchecked and uncontrollable now. She held the sob in, barely, but she did. The Laurel on the screen was getting glassy eyed as well.

“Sara. That night you came to my apartment... I realized the path that lay before me. So thank you, because this has given me the chance to find peace. The chance to say goodbye. I get it now, you know? I get why you apologized that night. And if there's one thing, one thing that I need you to always remember... It's that I will always forgive you. You're my little sister. And even if it took time, I realized that my love for you will always outweigh everything else. I love you, Sara. And I want you to find peace. So forgive yourself, and be happy.”

Laurel took a deep breath, readying herself. Thea cursed herself for not realizing sooner that these messages might also include Sara, but it was not like she had watched them before.

“Dad. I want you to know that I love you, no matter what, okay? I want you to think about that, when the bottle calls to you. If you even think about going back to drinking, I swear I will come back just to beat some sense into you.” The intensity radiating from the screen was almost scarily real.

“I love you daddy, and none of this is your fault. I chose to become the Black Canary. And if you take that from me, you take a part from me. Be strong, Dad. For Sara, and for mom, and for me. But most of all, be strong for yourself.” There were now tears making their way down Laurel's face, and she wiped them away aggressively, as if she was angry at herself for being weak.

A whisper of “my baby” cut through the living room, and the sobbing intensified. Quentin Lance was at the end of his rope, again. Thea wished she had the strength to comfort him, but her whole body felt so heavy, she no longer knew how to move.

“Ollie. Ollie, Ollie... you don't know how difficult this is. The thing is, I still have no idea what to say to you. Which is why I've saved this part for last. Because this is the part I cannot say without being selfish. In the last few weeks I have done a lot of thinking. And the truth is: I want you to be happy. To have a life outside of the mask, to smile and crack jokes like you used to. I want you to have a family, to live a full life.” She was rambling now, the tears still lingering in the corner of her eyes. “But most of all, I want you to finally accept that you are a good person and that you deserve to be happy. You have a good heart, Ollie. Never sell yourself short on that.”

And Thea felt the moment he broke down, felt the tension go out of him, the shaking increase and felt him curl into her shoulder like a lost little boy.

“I guess this will be last time I will have a chance to say this... I love you. And I wish that we could have gotten that second chance after all.”

Laurel dried her tears, and her smile broke through once more. The smile Thea had always thought represented sunshine and everything good in the world. The smile they would now never see again.

“Goodbye everyone. If I must leave... I guess I'm grateful I got to say goodbye on my terms.”

The image faded to black, and the last specter of Laurel Lance disappeared.

 


End file.
